this is not the time to evaluate my feelings on feelings, really

I'm not sure it's unsettling enough to make a conscious choice to be self-aware about what stories in a kink meme I gravitate to.

However, in the interests of full disclosure, here are the things that I really wish I liked:

1.) Slave AUs - okay, I can't even explain this one, but a lot of it has to do with my embarrassment squick that is hit by them too often. They borderline me, because I like D/s, and I've even liked it at the slave level D/s, but the consent is what makes it work for me because hey, it's fairly hot for someone to desperately beg someone else to put them in a collar and tie them to a tree (substitute your choice here, it's one in the morning and I just came off three hours at the AI kink meme reading you have no idea what; I don't even know what I was reading). Consent is the panacea of the embarrassment squick. Mostly. I can still get hit by it, but then I just skim. It's weird. But I wish I liked them, because a.) there are a lot of them and b.) I'd like to actually write one. But seriously. I can squick myself in the embarrassment department, which isn't easy because it's like tickling yourself. It's a good sign when I cringe from myself I shouldn't be writing it.

I mean, I feel I should write it because it squicks me. Like, not to cure the squick but to examine it in a really meta-like, post-modern I-need-a-hobby-that-isn't-hyperexamining-the-source-and-my-reaction-to-it sort of way. Or just so I can blunt the edges of the squick and enjoy it, because seriously, this cuts off a lot of otherwise readable fic and it's depressing when I find myself in the kink-meme staring at 'necrophilia' going "yes, this squicks me so much I want to cry hysterically, but there's nothing else to read". No one should have a moment like that.

2.) I was less specific in my role choices. This is just--I get a preference and I'll break it once in a while, but me and avilio_18 had a really sharply defined moment talking in email about what we considered in character and I realized, yeah. I'm like really really specific sometimes. This is not specific to what I write, weirdly enough; SGA I had Rodney topping three quarters of the time, but I preferred it the other way around while reading. No idea what that's about. But it is annoying because again, it cuts off like, a random percentage depending on fandom of stories I can't get into and see above. Not on.

3.) Mpreg - okay, this is tricky, because I have read and loved it, but for the life of me, even knowing this, my knee-jerk is AVOID AVOID FLASHING LIGHTS and yo, I beta'ed a freaking mpreg series that I spent quality time nagging the author about, and then once upon a time wrote it myself, but--there you go. I get people who don't understand the attraction of it because I get the same Flags of No, but then I read it and love it because it's awesome. And yet. I have to convince myself to do it every damn time.

I was thinking of making a list of my kinks that actually bother me or make me curious (in fandom; I don't feel particular shame for what I put in as keywords on asstr.org because hello, someone wrote it, who am I not to appreciate their work? You rock, author of fic with keywords I will never admit to anyone, ever), but that ends up a sociopolitical statement that I cannot imagine I'd be interested in making. Sexuality and sexual desire for women is already politicized, evaluated, judged, and recontextualized in fandom, and I'm uncomfortable with my body pretty much always; I can't get away from that. I can, however, avoid adding a new and exciting layer of judging myself on top of the way I already do. I do not need to layer cake my judgment. Though I'd kill for a brownie right now.

I wonder what it's like to feel comfortable in your skin and with yourself. I mean, I get that the human condition apparently requires we never have a moment's peace, but you'd think the human condition would have a failsafe to shut that shit down once in a while so we wouldn't end up circling ourselves madly chasing a non-existent tail for enlightenment or at least something close to comfort. I'm asking for like, once a week, one hour. Or so.

Yes, it's almost two and this is what passes for deep thoughts. I'm going to go look for porn now and hate insomnia like whoa.