when you have star trek problems

Escapade was no lie fucking amazing, and we'll totally get into that later, but right now, of all the things I've done both questionable and not (and only sometimes drunk), there is one I feel is the most worrisome, which is saying something, not that I'm referring to anything specific here though Christ, Orange Grove is fucking delicious.

This issue being, my propensity to do bathroom business in dark bathrooms.

Like, has anyone noticed this? I have no idea, but it is indeed a thing and I think I am successfully playing it off with an attitude of 'light is so overrated for purposes of relieving, come on' or more likely, no one noticed but paranoia is a thing, welcome to my brain.

A not entirely unexpected side effect of living it up in your low-budget Star Trek apartment: my bathroom has motion sensors and an Echo Dot for emergencies like well, that, and really trying to remember who played in a movie and Alexa wiki'ing for me from my toilet and/or shower when my phone is not available or I don't want to soak it in shower water.

So basically, bathroom lights--the turning off/on thing--is not something I think about like, at all. At work, they're always on of course, and basically at any given public bathroom sitch, the odds are multiple stalls equal always-on. The one-offs are also fine in teh given convenience store or restaurant, which is great. This issue has come up with my mom and visiting other people's houses and vacation this summer, but for reasons unclear, it did not occur to me how a hotel is not really a one-off and maybe I broke something important in the executive function zone in regard to lightswitches because I'm also kind of sitting in the dark at times trying to work out what to do when Alexa isn't there and I don't have an app for it.

Add any amount of alcohol and a sense of urgency, 'I don't care' kicks in (really, it's better that way considering the alternative) but once that last Orange Grove and the pink wine wear off, you are now able to count (on more than one hand) how many times you were in a closed dark bathroom with at least one to three people within visual range and hope they weren't paying attention or were super drunk. Does it actually matter or will anyone care? No (maybe?) but that's not the problem; the problem is I'm day four in this hotel and cannot fucking do lights.

I am not saying "Alexa, turn on the lights" but that literally is the limit of my adaptability. Strap in, folks, it gets weirder.

I cannot remember where any lightswitch is even having sought out and used it in my own goddamn room. More than once. If your next thought is "uh, by the door" well, yeah but when I'm in the goddamn room it's like I'm searching for Narnia. Did you know lamps have switches? That shit was a surprise to me, even though I do know how lamps work and indeed switches were present. Where are the lights in the room? By the doors, awesome. Lamps all have switches at the base. This is simple, we're good, right?

When I enter the room, I will promptly forget this very basic knowledge and sit down on the couch, baffled the lights aren't on, and then the search for switches begins like I was homeschooled like on goddamn Mars or something. I feel like maybe I invented an entirely new category of shame--and not like I was short on 'shame reasons' before--and while the 'inventing' part is kind of cool, can't lie, its offset by how utterly bizarre this is even in theory.

Wait for it: shit's about to just get sad.

I'm not used to not being able to control the amount of light around me, which is bad enough (I like a lot). Far worse--so much worse--I have to now adjust myself to some other (inferior) lighting situation when I literally designed my light set up to add many many many lights to my apartment specifically where I am going to sit, lounge, read, sleep, eat, I'm not kidding, and some have scripts to turn on and off at different kelvins to meet my super specific goddamn needs depending on time of day. I resent I must move where the lights are even though I'm more comfortable where I am, this is bullshit--like, 'entitlement' is almost too kind for this situation.

To give this a surreal touch it really didn't need, I feel existentially rejected by my hotel room when I enter and it's dark, because at home, the second I arrive, the lights come on in a bright "welcome home" and light my path, not unlike being a god (a really pathetic one but hey, you take what you can get).

Fuck yeah, this is funny, but I'm also kind of resentful and my brain keeps supplying "maybe next time bring Alexa with you" at which time--this has happened three times--I start listing out "and bring my smart lightbulbs because obviously adding smart switches would take too much time and also maybe the hotel wouldn't be down with that and also those are kinda expensive and a motion sensor for the bathroom, you can write a script for it easy, I have a few...." and that's how far this shit gets before reality kicks in, which is like at least all that sentence too late. And maybe the quoted bit before that, I'm actually not sure.

Oh, there's more, come on: I can't tell Alexa to change the temperature, turn on/off the air conditioner/heater; I don't even have an app for that because the hotel thermostats aren't smart--or hey, mine--and come to think, I don't even know where it is (see 'switches').

So like the bathroom thing is nothing (shame? Yes) compared to this image I want you to keep: me, sitting uncomfortably in the dark with an unwanted blanket due to inexplicable chill resenting the fuck that this room isn't catering to me before sullenly looking for lightswitches like some kind of crazy person. Over. And. Over. While feeling the room hates me and hell yes it's mutual now.

In closing: I now question the realism of every time people from Star Trek go into the past and aren't in a state of constant, low-key hostility and bafflement because I've only been doing this two years and now am unfit to live in the real world and also super sullen about it. And listening to goddamn Halsey while I sulk, because hi, you did subscribe to this journal of your own free will, and yeah, this is the kind of quality content you're here for.

Comments

[timespirt]

The technology will catch up one day. I don't know when but it will and then everything will be smart and you won't have to feel bad when you stay in a hotel because it will be smart. Until then..."HUGS"

[out_there]

I now question the realism of every time people from Star Trek go into the past and aren't in a state of constant, low-key hostility and bafflement

I'm suddenly wondering if the real reason they have holodecks is to practice these basic steps of "opening doors" and "using switches" for visiting other times / planets. I've always figured holodecks are such a weirdly indulgent thing to have onboard if it's only for recreation, but it would make sense if it's supposed to be "maintaining important skills". (Of course, in reality, it's mostly used for fun. But that's totally the way the cost of installing them is justified every time a new ship is built.)

[genarti]

This is a great idea and I kind of love it.

[out_there]

😁

[seperis]

YES THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

[niqaeli]

Oh, bless. *giggling* Clearly you need a service dog or something for traveling into the wilds of the not-yet-fully-automated-and-remotely-controllable world.

[seperis]

You mean a service monkey with thumbs so he can turn on the lights for me when I call him Alexa. Because that's how this story ends.

[niqaeli]

...I mean, there are service dogs that can do the "turning on lights thing" but clearly calling the service animal Alexa is inevitable.

Which will be weird, given that at home Alexa the AI magical computer does the things for you and the poor service animal won't be ABLE to do the thing you need. So clearly it needs to be an Emergency Holographic Service Animal, ala the EMD on Voyager. .........now that I say that, I mean, DO THEY have EHSAs in the Trekverse for any poor bastards navigating non-automated societies? That seems like a thing that they would have. Might not help the time-travelers, but everyone ELSE....

[ratcreature]

The last hotel room I was in, I was resentful because the light and its switches only worked if you inserted your key card into a thing next to the main light switch. So I also used the bathroom without light a few times when I had already been ready to leave and had checked that I didn't forget to pack up my keycard, but then decided that I better go pee once more.

[lebannen]

Protip: it works with any piece of card! My partner has spent extended work trips staying in places with that thing, and reports that both train tickets and business cards work fine.

[ratcreature]

Huh. Thanks for the tip. Mostly when I travel I stay in youth hostels because I find budget hotels to be a bit depressing for traveling alone, so it was an entirely new thing for me.

[silveraspen]

That is super useful to know - thanks for sharing!

[harpers_child]

I am laughing. You remind me of that one SGA fic where John keeps walking into doors because he keeps forgetting that Earth doors don't open automatically.

I adapt very slowly... I sympathize with your pain

[harmonic_tabby]

I don't have a smart phone app but I've been doing something similar for several DECADES: some of the lamps in our living room are on timers. We bought one for the whole "security on vacation" plot and didn't unplug when we returned from the vacation...

Two weeks later we realized we really liked the light coming on just before we returned home from jobs/school and a) bought a second and b) reprogrammed them with better timing.

Our son, who has long since moved out (and back and out again with wife and children) muttered during his most recent 'inhabitation' that he could hear the faint clicks of those mechanical timers and why haven't we replaced them? I told him they work just fine and reminded him I'd been the one to realize he needed additional lumens for that whole seasonal affective disorder aspect of his life.

Lights are important. *repeat: lights are important*

He then started muttering about the smart phone in my purse but hey, it was state of the art in 2006 and still works so why mess with success?? I bought it to replace the analog phone my network would no longer support, sigh.

I hope you very much enjoyed your trip, lightswitch angst regardless.

Re: I adapt very slowly... I sympathize with your pain

[seperis]

Thank you and YES! LIghts coming on when you get home is just---welcoming and nice. I didn't realize how much I needed that until Hotel Room Hates Me (and I Can't Find Anything!).

Lights are important. *repeat: lights are important*

This. I mean, my apartment has three in the kitchen, three in the bathroom, one in the dining/ceiling fan fixture, one in Child's ceiling fixutre, two in my bedroom/ceiling fan fixture, one in my closet, one in the laundry alcove off the kitchen, one in the hall, and NONE IN THE LIVING ROOM. It has a giant sliding door/glass that faces west but direct light just--doesn't get in (also the road is right there and you can see straight inside). There are three windows (my room, child's room, laundry alcove); I could 7000K everywhere and it woudl still be dark because the walls are the exact shade of pale beige that absorbs instead of reflects (I'm a painter's daughter, there's a reason my dad grimly painted all our walls light-reflecting whites and I am living in why you should do that).

Now, my living room has two (2) lamps, two (2) pendants above the couch, three (3) puck lights lining the sliding door, one (1) sconce light to the left of the glass door, my chair light where I write, a small three-bulb track light near the ladder shelf/entertainment system, and an LED strip lining one wall an inch short of the ceiling that I'll be expanding since it was an experiment in seeing if it contributed to overall lighting and yeah, it does (good night light, too). I literally learned how to safely rewire lights into plugs to make this happen as it took only my first week living there to realize yeah, I need light like a lot.

Also: added three lights in entryway, another in the hall where it melts into the dining room, another light over the buffet in the dining room, two lamps (one floor) in my room, a desk lamp in Child's, and another light in the utility/storage closet. (Also three hanging over the bar/kitchen divider area with Einsteins that are yellow and do not contribute to clear clean light but look super cool).

Every lightbulb in a public area has minimum color temperature that can get to 5000K to get daylight equivalent, and the lamps have white/off-white shades. My placements are doing their best to get a good overall ambiant, but light-sucking beige walls means this is still a work in progress to get a general ambiant that isn't tinged yellowish. Like, my next step is a central light fixture for the living room that can be safely wired for a plug and mark out the studs, because up to now, I've been doing lighter single pendants that aren't worrisome about weight. I mean yes, I did my research but still, this will be ladders and my mom coming over to help.

You really don't appreciate how much a central light does until you don't have one. Like yes, any room needs multiple sources but only something central, even if small, can make it come together for full ambient rather than semi isolated, sometimes-overlapping individuals.

...God, sorry about that, it just--happened.

Re: I adapt very slowly... I sympathize with your pain

[harmonic_tabby]

No worries. Both husband and son have SAD and I was the one who figured it out. So I became aware of lighting issues.

My brother came to visit after dark one evening and we had most of the lights in the living room turned on: 5 separate lamps but not the central fixture on the cathedral ceiling. He stepped inside, blinked vigorously and said "WOW, you've got a lot of lights." I said something like 'wanna be able to read' and never mentioned the additional lights in kitchen and hallway we hadn't turned on YET.

I, too, rewire lamps as a hobby. *grins*

Re: I adapt very slowly... I sympathize with your pain

[niqaeli]

Okay, legit question: how much do you give a shit about your deposit on this place? Because you can totally paint the fucking walls, it'll just come out of your deposit most places (since they feel compelled to repaint it back to boring-ass bs if you move out).

I say this having painted not one, but TWO apartments for the braintwin, and it is AMAZING how much of a difference colour on walls makes. I mean you don't have to go colourful. You can totally just go "light-reflecting white" if that works best for you.

My point is: paint is actually an option in most apartments! If you're already moved in, it's more work, but. It's still an option! <3

Re: I adapt very slowly... I sympathize with your pain

[seperis]

Well, I'm actually considering it. I did a ton of reading on how to create good even lighting and the method recommended was 'many lights in key places' to raise ambiance and yes, that helps but the walls yellow-shade everything and nothing I can do with lightbulb color temperature and location will change that.

And. In August I will have been here three years and short of a ton of money appearing from nowhere to buy a house (which honestly, I don't want to deal with until I retire, start getting my retirement, and get rehired to start getting a paycheck as well because hey, a childhood of sometiems not security means I value that like a lot), I'm not planning on moving. Which would actually make it worth it to talk to the complex and see how they feel, especially if I agree to get it done professionally (which honestly, is kind of the plan). At my next lease renewal, I may discuss it with them and see if there's penalties other than potential loss of deposit, especially since I'm not doing anything exciting here but something in the white family (which a pro can also advise me after examining my amount of natural light and room size). If the apartment agrees, I may even be able to see if the same contractor they get to do the work here can do it if I pay them myself or agree to pay for the paint. If I remember correctly, at five years I qualify for new carpet and some refurbishing anyway and if they'd let me, I'd sign a five year lease just to confirm (especially at this rent because seriously, yes).

Short version of don't want to leave: there are better apartments and in better locations near more things to do, but a.) the price here is literally the best possible in Austin bar none and nothing this size or even close, b.) I can walk to work, c.) there's a convenience store next door, and d.) washer and dryer hook ups. My son really wants to move to somewhere with closer bus stops (the closest is located where I work), but even excluding b (I could take a bus to work, not a problem), price will definitely go up and size will go down fast and even more important, washer and dryer hookups are apparently way more rare than they should be and that's kind of a dealbreaker and a big one.

Why? If we don't have them, we won't do laundry like possibly ever and I'll have to do monthly subscribe and save for packs of underwear and febreze from amazon and possibly end up with an apartment of literally nothing but three to a pack t-shirts and jeans and no ability to even walk inside it. This is not speculation on what could happen; it will happen and just like that. Better to accept and work with it.

Exception: if the townhouse next door became available, I'd take it in a heartbeat. It's in my complex, it's only about $200 more which would mean some more (and fairly serious) budgeting but worth it as a.) it's bigger, b.) has two bathrooms, and c.) I could get it painted the shade I want before I literally carry (or have carried) all my things next door because they repaint everytime someone moves in anyway. Which is also something I want to talk to them about.

Yes, this is now a plan, thank you. I hadn't actually written it out before now, just thought it, but this helps.

[druidspell]

…You’re John Sheppard stuck on Earth. Why doesn’t this place love you like (Atlantis) your home does?

[bratfarrar]

Didn't someone--rageprufrock?--write a fic about that? John keeps walking into doors because he forgets they won't just open for him, and Rodney keeps having to take him to emergency with a broken nose, concussion, etc., and the ER doctors starts slipping John pamphlets about safe houses because he thinks Rodney is John's abusive boyfriend, and eventually Rodney spends a weekend installing motion detectors on everything and motorizing all John's doors.

...That was a fun SGA story.

Oh, here it is: Bang. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE. There you go, Seperis, you have John Sheppard to keep you company.

[seperis]

Dude, I connect with that story right now like you have no idea.

(Lesser horror: my lock is smart and bluetooth/wifi connect, so when I get close enough, it unlocks for me. Like, it's not super consistent yet due to concrete walls and wifi signal, fortunately in this cae, I do not yet resent locks for not unlocking in my presence.)

[green_grrl]

Obligatory “I'm old enough to remember when you had to get up to change the tv station”

Also, 😂😂😂 Star Trek problems, indeed

[cathyw]

(meanwhile am I the only one who says "lumos" with accompanying swish-flick gesture when they sit still too long and the motion detector turns the lights out?)

[seperis]

Next time I'm in the bathroom doing--business--and the motion timer doesn't detect me, hell yes I am!

[elf]

FWIW, the lights at the Escapade hotel are in baffling and weird locations. "Near the door" is only mostly correct; several are "attached to the base of the lamp." I tended to leave the lights on in the room when I left, because (1) I cannot be convinced that two hours of lightbulb is a substantial drain in energy costs and (2) otherwise, every time I enter the place I have to look around and drag my hand over dark spots on the wall hoping to find a light switch and not an electrical outlet or some who-knows-what fixture that hotels might have.

Other hotels have lamps-with-switches, wherein the switch is not at the base but on the stem, or near the bulb, or on the wall next to the overhead light switch; there is no "normal" place for lights in hotel rooms. They're all confusing for three days, by which time, you're leaving.

(And nah, the Star Trek people aren't in a constant state of confusion because they're going to the Alien And Distant Past Without Good Tech, just like if you jumped back to the 1700s. "Oh wow; a genuine latch string door fixture! How quaint! What a remarkable way to get around the need for doorknobs!")

[seperis]

BLESS YOU ELF I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE CRAZY(IER?).

I mean, we had an accessible room so I knew they would be lower on the wall to accommodate those who used wheelchairs or scooters, but even using the 'down a foot' approach they seemed off.

And the lamps...yeah. I wasn't sure if I just wasn't up to what the kids were making lamps do these days or something.

[franzeska]

The first thing I do when I arrive at a con hotel (aside from drag in my eight thousand bags of stuff for room parties and panels that require equipment) is locate all of the light switches.

I agree that they're generally bizarrely placed and different in every hotel. One of the key stumbling blocks is often lights that have two switches. Often, the switch by the door sends power to all of the lamps in the front room or to all of the standing lamps in a smaller room, but then those lamps also have individual switches. (So it can seem like nothing turns them on if you guess the wrong combination of things.) Bathroom light switches will be on the outside of the bathroom if it's one of those states with laws about that. Bar/kitchenette lighting is actually sensible in most hotels: there's a switch next to the bar sink or over its counter. The TV and alarm clock are generally plugged into an outlet that is always on, so any lamps with cords heading the same way are likely controlled by a switch in the lamp base/on the wall near it and not by a wall switch by the door.

There is some logic to it. It's just complicated and confusing.