after the deluge, the enlightenment (a wizard curse)

So the Rain

Well, it hasn't rained in a few days, so there's that. The entire backyard is all visibly soaked dirt, and I won't talk about the patio because it's beyond words. Last week we had a lot of people out of the office literally due to rain, and this week (and next) being the graduation for most of the state, it's been--well, wetly triumphant, maybe?

So More Things

So you may not know that guinea pigs have entered my life. Apparently, this has been a thing for a while, I just didn't know.

Let me explain.

They weren't mine, I want that clear. My youngest sister purchased them some number of years greater than two and less than five ago, and they came to her as small and are now super-sized guinea hogs, if you will. They were given a standard cage and toys and being low maintenance and fucking hateful--they make my former rabbit warren look loving and kind--we all just sort of existed in a detente where we moved them around as needed and fed them while they pretended we didn't exist or attacked whoever was foolish enough to try to keep their cage clean and them healthy, because they're malicious.

Here's where this gets weird.

At some point in the last eighteen months--and I can't tell you how or when, it just happened--I began buying all their food, snacks, and litter, feeding and bathing them (bathing. them.) and had been for quite a while because my sister isn't actually anywhere near them (ie, no longer lives here) and somehow, I...took over, like some kind of unholy geas and I don't know how or why.

I'm bathing them. Let me clarify this, because this is where I'm convinced I pissed off a sorcerer or a wizard and this is actually a curse.

I actually get a giant towel and Child (to distract them from going for my throat), grab each one and put them in a box (with minimal bloodshed), carry them to the bathroom, fill a tub--my bathtub--with water (not too warm, not too cold, I test this) until it reaches just their bellies and set them in there to swim and glare at them hatefully before shampooing them one by one, risking my fingers, or at least bits of them, because guinea pigs can't be fucked to do the minimum amount of work to keep themselves clean no matter how often I clean out their truly nightmarish cage and if they weren't bathed, they'd be quite literally made of fur and their own excretions. Then I rinse them, check their fur for issues--risking so much finger-flesh--towel-dry their ungrateful asses (now with shiny fur), and take them back to their fresh cage where they immediately create more filth to wallow in while I return to my bathtub and stare in horror at what I have to clean up (and that shit is deliberate, and I do mean shit. What is wrong with them?).

A couple of times a month, I do this.

I'm doing this of my own free will, and I honestly can't tell you why because I hate them, they hate me, and it makes no sense and I can't emphasize this enough, I can't work out when this started. However, I had a revelation this week while miserably cleaning out their hideous cage and resenting the fuck out of anything with fur; I don't have to live like this, this is bullshit.

Time to deal.

I hate them but at this point it can't be denied they're mine--once you carry the scars of their tiny teeth, someone is owned and it's not gonna be me--so they're going to live to a standard by which my rabbits once lived, because no pet of mine (fuck my life, I have guinea pigs) is going to look like their owner isn't creepily overinvested in their lifestyle and living accommodations.

Midwest Interactive Guinea Habitat Plus - that's eight to nine square fucking feet lined with PVC canvas containing a ramp, a care area, and is recommended by veterinarians. I'm throwing out everything they're using now; their resentful little asses are gonna experience a lifestyle upgrade. They are getting a new grass house, a grass ball, new chewtoys, a new feeder, and fuck my life, I went shopping for absorbent pads used on people beds for those who need such things for night accidents to line this sucker with and I also got them treats and snacks because reasons. I googled guinea pig food type for the most nutritious and evaluating if it would be in their best interests to start them on a Central Market and Whole Foods diet of overpriced organic vegetables and greens.

You know what guinea pigs do? They wallow. That's it. They lay there, resenting the effort it takes them to eat their own food because that requires movement. They bore the cat. You can't get lower than the cat thinking you aren't even worth watching hungrily. They're like furry rocks made of hate and a lack of motivation. They are a literal rebuttal of the theory of evolution, because selection should have wiped them out and yet, here they are, alive and forcing me to re-evaluate how trustworthy science really is.

It gets worse.

While shopping I learned; guinea pigs are neglected as hell when it comes to fun pet shit. Hamsters and ferrets, mice and rats, toys and pipes and hammocks and awesome playscapes, but guinea pigs? Do they get giant-ass playscapes I'd like in human-size? Nope. Do they get tubular extravaganzas? No. I admit, furry hate-rocks wouldn't use them, but that's not the point; this should be equal opportunity and guinea pigs are getting the short end of the stick here.

...I hate them, they loathe me, they are furry hate rocks who I genuinely think would kill me if they were less fucking lazy, but on their behalf I've been hating the entire pet industry and googling PVC piping to see if it comes in transparent so I can build them a playscape so as not to be inferior to fucking hamsters that they'll never use because they are furry rocks of hate. And I gotta bathe them tomorrow because the cage should be here when I get home from work and they are gonna go into their new home clean and this isn't happening, it can't be.

Wizard curse, it's gotta be.

Comments

[laurajv]

I'm pretty sure that guinea pigs are the mirror universe tribble

[seperis]

I'm honestly not sure my sister actually bought two, I paid that little attention.

...that would explain a lot.

[out_there]

I hold a grudge against guinea pigs. Back when I was, hmmm, 13? We had a male and a female. The female was pregnant, we didn't know you had to separate them from the male, so we woke up one morning to find the female had had the baby and the male had chewed through it's neck.

I was horrified. And secretly relieved that after cleaning that up, Mum put them outside for the night and the next morning there was nothing in their cage but grey cat fur (they were victims of the massive grey cat next door, and I didn't mourn them). Since then, it's been a personal policy not to have rodents as pets.

[seperis]

*chokes and chokes and dies laughing of horror*

Like, so many emotions in so few sentences there.

[out_there]

It's still an emotional subject, true. I mean, I think you can probably feel the levels of horror and hate and the sheer unforgivable grudge that remains.

I'm not one to generally be all passionate about things, but my sheer dislike for guinea pigs is an exception to that.

[green_grrl]

I was just thinking it's too bad Jenn's cat isn't interested. Perhaps a very large snake might be hungry enough?

[out_there]

Snake sounds like a good option. I support the snake idea.

[miella]

I believe this is where synecdochic's "...well. That escalated quickly." is appropriate.

[niqaeli]

I need a like button so fucking much right now.

Because, yes. What you said.

[synecdochic]

seperis is my sister from another mister when it comes to "...where am I, and how did I get in this handbasket?" moments, yes. :)

[hunningham]

I am saddened and disillusioned. I always thought, on the basis of no evidence whatsoever, that guinea pigs were sweet, friendly, playful, little beasts who whistled and squeaked with delight and would come when called.

How wrong. All my guinea pig illusions are shattered.

[seperis]

There is a reason, I suspect, that guinea pigs have never been found singing in a Disney musical. Their bodies are of adorable, but they have the soul of a honey badger.

[calime]

*laugs and laughs until curled up into a ball on the floor* I'm sorry, but just.... *laughs some more*.
I used to keep guinea pigs for years and years. You know that you can train them run and jump an obstacle course like tiny fat obstinate ponies, right? And they make most entertaining pissed off noises and jump when you poke their furry butts. In my defence, mine were mostly well-behaved and trained, and I have only one partially-severed tendon in my finger and that was because two males decided to fight in my lap when my hand got in the way (uncastrated males can fight like bloody killers amongst themselves. It's fascinating how something so cute can be a little furry killer if they want to.). And later, when we had a small breeding colony together with a freind (we decided to breed for a certain coat colour out of our available, random material. Don't ask. It was fun.) it was interesting to watch, I mean, they're really herd animals, and fortunately our males were always super good with any offspring (and also deeply, terribly whipped by the females). But I cannot help but think that if you've survived rabbits, guinea pigs should be a walk in the park. I fear rabbits - I believe they live to fuck you up, if in no other way, then by maliciosly dying on you (I'm a vet). I knew a client who had a rabbit that lived free in the house and terrorized the whole household, attacking their feet with teeth, claws and urine spray, and mespecially singling out the grandmother, because it apparently decided to cut out the weaker herd members first.
Anyways, good luck with your vicious furry enemies :)

[seperis]

But I cannot help but think that if you've survived rabbits, guinea pigs should be a walk in the park. I fear rabbits - I believe they live to fuck you up, if in no other way, then by maliciosly dying on you (I'm a vet).

Oh my God. Rabbits are literally the best and most fool-proof way to traumatize someone for life. For rabbits--as it turned out--were my One True Pet and boy did they make me pay for it.

I have an entire tag and photo series on my houserabbit paradise turned lepus tragedy. I can't even read that tag anymore, but long story short: three rabbits, then four, joy and hope and building habitats and a balanced organic vegan rabbit diet, a veritable rabbit heaven....then snuffles reduced my warren from three to one in less than eighteen hours from first victim to last near Christmas and a few weeks after I got out the hospital for pneumonia, and then about a year and a half later, Waffles, the last one, died. And I am still not over that.

(To be fair, Waffles may not have died just to fuck with me; he was a craigslist adoption, was big even for a lionhead, and probably not young when I got him. The vet was pretty sure it was just maybe his time, because after the warren tragedy, Waffles saw the vet more than I saw my own doctor and therefore the vet knew my sanity was questionable when it came to rabbit health.)

...I still have lingering flashbacks and a real lack of trust in rabbit biology, is what I'm saying. I'm not saying my vague hostility to the guinea pigs is due to rabbit betrayal, but in retrospect, my level of denial while caring for them seems to suggest something was going on there.

[jeanete]

Sep, my dear, what you've got there is not by any definition vague hostility...

I know a woman who likes guinea pigs and has like six of them. Would you like me to ask her if she wants another couple?

[lilacsigil]

I have always suspected they were furry hate-rocks, ever since a girl who lived across the street from me (when I was a kid) was bitten on the nose by her guinea pig and had to have surgery. Her scar was disappointingly small, though. And she kept the guinea pig.

[seperis]

Ask me how unsurprised I am to know guinea pigs have a taste for human flesh.

[sgac]

You know the original purpose of the guinea pig was to be edible, right?

Are yours nice and fat?

Do they look... delicious?

[mrshamill]

I have a recipe for guinea pig kabobs.

You know. If you want it.

[seperis]

...I honestly believe their souls are those of honey badgers. I mean, I feel on some level I should be horrified by the idea of eating them, but mostly it's on the level of 'they will be flavored with toxic levels of hate'.

[fyrdrakken]

Yes, this is why they're so stupid and sedentary. They've been domesticated. Like turkeys. They're supposed to just sit around and get fat.

[ratcreature]

I had a guinea pig as a little kid (when I was too clueless to know they are social and you shouldn't just get one, and my parents didn't care enough to consider stuff like that) as my first pet, and the poor thing had to endure me tying ribbons in her hair and treating it like a cuddly toy. It never did much but I never had to bathe it to get rid of excrement either, and it never bit me either. The worst was that it needed its nails cut regularly, and it never liked that. But otherwise it was pretty chill and lived a couple of years. It was a really boring pet though compared to rats I got later on. I still feel guilty that I kept it alone and it probably didn't have a fun life, though I wasn't intentionally cruel or neglectful or anything like that.

[seperis]

My guinea pigs are social in the sense they don't active try to kill each other. I may need to observe them more (God) and see if there's more to them than fur lumps.

[ratcreature]

Well, that's something. I've had a rat kill another in a matter of seconds when I was trying to introduce them (they seemed fine for a while with the older male not showing aggression at all for some time until Ben suddenly got the little one and broke his neck so fast and efficiently he barely had time to squeak). It scars you, to have one pet kill another, and you didn't manage to intervene. Ben had to live out the rest of his time alone and content himself with posturing and threatening others through metal barriers. I mean, he was the sweetest kind of rat with me, but clearly he had zero tolerance for new rats after his brother died and after the first disaster I just didn't dare trying more elaborate introduction schemes. With later groups I've tried to make sure to always get three or four siblings as babies, just so I would never need to handle introductions again. Pet traumas are awful.

[imwalde]

OMG THAT IS SO HORRIBLE!! D: I loved my pet rats (sisters adopted as babies) and they loved each other and the possibility of rat-on-rat violence never even dawned on me as a possibility for a pet owner! (I was never considering boy rats though. Just couldn't deal with the ballsack being the size of the head.) My cats take rat ownership off the table indefinitely, but that is good to know in the back of my mind just in case.

[ratcreature]

I knew violence could happen and I followed the introduction instructions from the rat breeder from whom I got them (though not the most lengthy and drawn out paranoid protocols you find in books -- afterwards I understood the paranoia), but it just went nightmarish.

[morrighan_sama]

yeah, they're not pets, they're livestock :). i think the internet has recipes...

[pocketmouse]

I was going to say 'this is why you're supposed to eat them,' but I see everyone's got that covered.

[malkingrey]

You can always point out to them that if they were living in a different part of the world, they wouldn't be pampered house guests, they'd be food.

[fyrdrakken]

The last few times I was talking to Dad when the subject of my rabbits came up, he mentioned some experiences he had with keeping rabbits as a child. There was a pair he left in the custody of his grandparents and on his next visit he inquired where his bunnies had gone and was informed they had been delicious. And there were apparently another set that got let out of the hutch to play in the backyard and fell prey to some unknown predator, leaving just sad tufts of white fluff behind.

Which is what I keep being reminded of, by all the suggestions that you just dispose of the guinea pigs somehow. They have short lifespans, presumably, and you just don't buy any more when these go. And meanwhile you can try socializing them a little more. Or not. Lord knows why they're not grooming themselves -- maybe a cage too small to give them room to stay out of the latrine areas or some such. (I'd recommend shearing them for the summer and see if that saves you some bathing effort, but you might need some sturdy gloves -- work gloves, falconry gloves, chainmail -- to protect your hands if they're that bitey.)

[feanna]

Both of my first rabbits got eaten alive (yes, alive!) by maggots. I turned one over and there were maggots on it's stomach! The vet couldn't save her. I slept in my parents bed for a month. And the other one died about a year later and I didn't see any maggots at first but then I tucked the tail aside and voila. They both has a bit of chronic diarrhia, maybe I should have washed them, but that's dangerous for rabbits and another rabbit died later when we washed her because she had a fur thing, the fourth died when we removed a tick wrongly (I should have just let it drop off). Anyways, during all of this we also had two guinea pigs who mostly seemed small and squaely and one died of old age and one we gave back to where we got it when the last rabbit died and I never had to bathe them. (A vet later said that it isn't even all that rare for rabbits outside to get maggots.) ANWAYS I CAN HARDLY TIPE THIS I HAVE MNAJOR MAGGOT TRAUMA! I do not think I could ever own another rabbit.
(Maybe, like your guinea pigs have a version of that chronic diarrhia that my rabbits had? Because they couldn't keep their stomachs clean anymore either (which->magoots, NOOOOOOOO)? So maybe look into their diet or something else? (I have since heard (but not looked into it further, since I can never do this again anyways) that food that says: rabiit food, on it might not actually be good rabbit food??????)