I had a Moment. It is not a particularly enlightening moment. I am never going to finish uploading fic to the archive. I will be doing this on my deathbed, poking keys and hating the universe.

I have also run into a problem with anything pre-Smallville; most my cowriters are not in fandom any longer, and that is a lot of fic, both at the series level and at the story level. I'm getting the impression we're not supposed to upload cowrites, which is a bitch, because some of the best work I did in those fandoms was done with Sare Liz and Bishclone. I uploaded a couple automatically, and now I'm staring at them blankly. I'm not sure what to do about this.

Also, what about a cowriter that's not speaking to you? How do you handle that, I ask? Which totally is not a problem I am having, of course, this is totes hypothetical and there might be two or perhaps three, and I'm really unsure about the etiquette of contacting them with a "Hey, so you are pissed at me and I totally take responsibility, now can I archive our cowrites in AOOO?" Or--something. Miss Manners did not cover the finer points of archive etiquette, and I have to say, I'm disappointed in her for that.

I'm enjoying uploading my bad fic a lot, in a weird way. It's comforting to realize I have gotten better. It feels like I have more authority to mock now when I can point and say "I did that. And it was bad."

Life Lessons Learned From Fandom (and Fanfic), by jenn AND HER FLIST

1.) Subject/predicate agreement is apparently a luxury, not a right, when one is going through a particularly pretentious phase.

2.) Sentence subjects are totes optional if you do it for ~art~. Goddamn I was ~artistic~.

3.) First person pov with mixed verb tenses is not confusing and weird, it's a goddamn ~style choice~ and DIAF grammarwhore.

4.) Repeating a single line over and over is okay when it's about angst. In italics, even.

5.) Always claim drunk posting if you can. It's called plausible deniability.

6.) The healing cock is real and go to hell if you don't believe me.

7.) Agricultural terms as metaphors for sex are hot like burning, bitch.



8.) THE THESAURUS IS YOUR FRIEND! - [livejournal.com profile] amireal

9.) cliches are cliches BECAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME. - [livejournal.com profile] winterlive

10.) It makes a story deep when grown men cry. Repeatedly. - [livejournal.com profile] cathalin

11.) I like longwinded, unfinishable projects. - [livejournal.com profile] tricksterquinn

12.) WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH EPITHETS? Why is there no love for them these days? Back In The Day, they were a staple of a good fanfic story. You just *knew* that "the curly-haired rebel" was Blake and "the curly-haired pilot" was Tarrant. The alien telepath, the Delta thief, and the computer tech would go off together and have exciting adventures. LIFE WAS GOOD FOR THE PETITE, BRUNETTE AUTHOR. - [livejournal.com profile] teenygozer

13.) Also, you should never say "penis" when there are perfectly good manroots and hardnesses and members out there, waiting to be utilized. - [livejournal.com profile] linzeestyle

14.) All facial expressions are primarily channeled through the eyes. Fuck all those facial muscles, what good are they. - [livejournal.com profile] stripedpetunia

15.) Also, why use pronouns (or *gasp* names) when you can just use epithets? (I have occasionally received concrit suggesting that names and 'he' are boring and I need more, like, 'the blond(e) captain' and 'the catlike Vulcan', just for example. I have learned to agree to disagree with these commenters.) - [livejournal.com profile] stripedpetunia

16.) Also, song lyrics. ALL THROUGHOUT THE FIC. Am I right? - [livejournal.com profile] stripedpetunia

17.) I will never stop abusing parentheses, though. My thoughts, they can never be fully wrenched out of their non-linear, tangential form. - [livejournal.com profile] stripedpetunia





18.) Eyes are never just, say, brown or blue. They are Cerulean. Taupe. Chocolate. Steel. - [livejournal.com profile] cathalin

19.) Life is not complete until you have gazed deeply into someone's swirling cerulean orbs. - [livejournal.com profile] transtempts

20.) There is no such thing as a sentence fragment. There *are* sentences without things like subjects or objects or verbs or any goddamn sense when taken out of context, but they're like that *intentionally*. Because of *flow*. - [livejournal.com profile] serrico

21.) Also, writing dialect/accents via the use of a tonne of dropped letters and apostrophes is totally a valid style choice. *nod* - [livejournal.com profile] serrico

22.) Don't forget that in the sex scenes, any males involved must be really, really hung. - [livejournal.com profile] geeklite

23.) Two virgins will always have fabulous sex, culminating in multiple mutual screaming orgasms. 'Cause it's fated, or something. - [livejournal.com profile] boochicken

24.) Any child that shows up in any fic should be precocious and adorable. More so if they are an MPREG assbaby. - [livejournal.com profile] counteragent

25.) Should any gay anal sex happen in a fic a conviniently placed bottle/jar/whatever recipient of amazingly slippery lube will always be at hand. - [livejournal.com profile] blackonice

26.) Also, when involved in a gay relationship, one or both of the members of said relationship will have this driving need to be inside/have inside their partner. (and that's when 25 comes in handy). - [livejournal.com profile] blackonice

27.) Dropping into all smallcase, even for names, to denote whispering or something stylistic I'm too stupid to grasp, is a great way to let your reader know it's getting all intimate and stuff, you know? And combine it with ellipses in weird places FTW! - [livejournal.com profile] janedavitt





28.) Killing a character makes my fic more *meaningful*, by which I mean *deep*, by which I mean, I am Hemingway. - [livejournal.com profile] brown_betty

29.) The healing cock can cure cancer. Trufax. - [livejournal.com profile] dorothy1901

30.) Quoting giants of English literature in my titles (and my ficcs, and my summaries) means I'm deep. And so does quoting Evanescence lyrics. - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

31.) Being summarily executed by McTabby is a badge of pride, okay? (said summary showed up on someone's icon when they commented on a much more recent fic I'd written about a year ago. My old badfic! It haunts me from beyond its ff.net grave!) - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

32.) The shorter guy/skinnier guy/guy with the longest hair is always the uke. - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

33.) Doyle is delicate and femininely beautiful. No, really! He's a very delicate and hauntingly lovely thuggish-looking bloke with a bad white boy 'fro. - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

34.) Everyone at Hogwarts/in the Pegasus galaxy/in Weiss/in Schwartz/who pilots a Gundam/who is a member of the British navy/who wears a superhero costume IS GAY. All of them. But especially Bobby Drake. - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

35.) Gambit and Duo Maxwell were both child prostitutes, as was every single other character who was orphaned and grew up on the streets. Yes, all of them. - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

36.) There can never been too many fics that rip off that episode of Starsky & Hutch with the kidnapping and forced heroin addiction. Never. - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

37.) Krychek/Avon/Draco/Snape/Sephiroth/Schuldig/Lex Luthor/Seshomaru/Darth Vader/the Joker/Adrian Veidt isn't a bad guy! He's just misunderstood! And angsty! And an abuse survivor! - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon





38.) Werewolves mate for life! - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

39.) Songfics are totally okay if it's one character actually singing the song. REALLY. - [livejournal.com profile] synecdochic

40.) Who cares if it makes sense, as long as it's ARTISTIC. - [livejournal.com profile] synecdochic

41.) Only the male one, though. The mean streets and slums of Fanficland are entirely free of female child prostitutes. - [livejournal.com profile] marinarusalka

42.) Female prostitutes are either filthy sluts who are bad mothers (hi, Sylvia Kovacs), hardbitten but heart-of-gold-posessing women who will take the pretty (male) child prostitute uke main character under their wing, gamine waifs a la Pretty Women who will be resuced by a good man, or Frank Miller characters. Or, sometimes in various CSI shows, murder victims. - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

43.) Frank Miller has taught me that all prostitues know some form of kickass martial arts. - [livejournal.com profile] elspethdixon

44.) Different parts of the body live their own independent lives. X's hand roamed freely over Y's body. X's tongue snaked into Y's mouth. Etc. - [livejournal.com profile] ev_vy



Anyone have anything to add? This is, of course, 100% hypothetical and of course you didn't do any of this. So you know, go for it.
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  • If you don't send me feedback, I will sob uncontrollably for hours on end, until finally, in a fit of depression, I slash my wrists and bleed out on the bathroom floor. My death will be on your heads. Murderers
    . -- Unknown, on feedback
    BTS List
  • That's why he goes bad, you know -- all the good people hit him on the head or try to shoot him and constantly mistrust him, while there's this vast cohort of minions saying, We wouldn't hurt you, Lex, and we'll give you power and greatness and oh so much sex...
    Wow. That was scary. Lex is like Jesus in the desert.
    -- pricklyelf, on why Lex goes bad
    LJ
  • Obi-Wan has a sort of desperate, pathetic patience in this movie. You can just see it in his eyes: "My padawan is a psychopath, and no one will believe me; I'm barely keeping him under control and expect to wake up any night now to find him standing over my bed with a knife!"
    -- Teague, reviewing "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones"
    LJ
  • Beth: god, why do i have so many beads?
    Jenn: Because you are an addict.
    Jenn: There are twelve step programs for this.
    Beth: i dunno they'd work, might have to go straight for the electroshock.
    Jenn: I'm not sure that helps with bead addiction.
    Beth: i was thinking more to demagnitize my credit card.
    -- hwmitzy and seperis, on bead addiction
    AIM, 12/24/2003
  • I could rape a goat and it will DIE PRETTIER than they write.
    -- anonymous, on terrible writing
    AIM, 2/17/2004
  • In medical billing there is a diagnosis code for someone who commits suicide by sea anenemoe.
    -- silverkyst, on wtf
    AIM, 3/25/2004
  • Anonymous: sorry. i just wanted to tell you how much i liked you. i'd like to take this to a higher level if you're willing
    Eleveninches: By higher level I hope you mean email.
    -- eleveninches and anonymous, on things that are disturbing
    LJ, 4/2/2004
  • silverkyst: I need to not be taking molecular genetics.
    silverkyst: though, as a sidenote, I did learn how to eviscerate a fruit fly larvae by pulling it's mouth out by it's mouthparts today.
    silverkyst: I'm just nowhere near competent in the subject material to be taking it.
    Jenn: I'd like to thank you for that image.
    -- silverkyst and seperis, on more wtf
    AIM, 1/25/2005
  • You know, if obi-wan had just disciplined the boy *properly* we wouldn't be having these problems. Can't you just see yoda? "Take him in hand, you must. The true Force, you must show him."
    -- Issaro, on spanking Anakin in his formative years
    LJ, 3/15/2005
  • Aside from the fact that one person should never go near another with a penis, a bottle of body wash, and a hopeful expression...
    -- Summerfling, on shower sex
    LJ, 7/22/2005
  • It's weird, after you get used to the affection you get from a rabbit, it's like any other BDSM relationship. Only without the sex and hot chicks in leather corsets wielding floggers. You'll grow to like it.
    -- revelininsanity, on my relationship with my rabbit
    LJ, 2/7/2006
  • Smudged upon the near horizon, lapine shadows in the mist. Like a doomsday vision from Watership Down, the bunny intervention approaches.
    -- cpt_untouchable, on my addition of The Fourth Bunny
    LJ, 4/13/2006
  • Rule 3. Chemistry is kind of like bondage. Some people like it, some people like reading about or watching other people doing it, and a large number of people's reaction to actually doing the serious stuff is to recoil in horror.
    -- deadlychameleon, on class
    LJ, 9/1/2007
  • If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Fan Fiction is John Cusack standing outside your house with a boombox.
    -- JRDSkinner, on fanfiction
    Twitter
  • I will unashamedly and unapologetically celebrate the joy and the warmth and the creativity of a community of people sharing something positive and beautiful and connective and if you don’t like it you are most welcome to very fuck off.
    -- Michael Sheen, on Good Omens fanfic
    Twitter
    , 6/19/2019
  • Adding for Mastodon.
    -- Jenn, traceback
    Fosstodon
    , 11/6/2022

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