i really read cracked too much, i get this

[seperis]

The Six Most Horrifying Sex Scenes in Fan Fiction Part 4 - which okay, let's not pretend here, this was hilarious. However, it isn't link worthy except for the author's aside in Number 5: Teen Wolf Has Amputee Sex With Characters from War and Peace

Once again, this scenario leaves us with numerous questions we suspect we'll never have the answer to, such as who is the audience for this? Is there a large segment of the erotic fan fiction consumer base that A) has read War and Peace, B) watches the MTV version of Teen Wolf, and C) has a male pregnancy fetish?

That's the fangirl equivalent of asking 'what is the sound of one hand clapping'? Or possibly a corollary of Rule 34(d): if it exists, porn will be written for it, and three quarters of your audience will spontaneously realize they're totally into it upon reading. Yes, there's an audience, adorable Cracked writer; we invent those, too.

Like sure, you're not into explicit cannibal serial killer pornfests, but what if one is a god, one is a mythical monster, one is the main character from a made for tv movie about a real serial killer who are all played by the same actor as half the participants? Sign me up, and give me a minute to Venn diagram this. Sure, you're not into almost hilariously feminized bottoming, but what if it's an universe with biologically enforced gender stereotypes and they all have wings and claws and self-lubing asses and get knocked up like a lot? With quintuplets? With elf ears? Someone just read this paragraph and is going 'okay, but where the fuck can I get all of this in one story? Is there elf ear penetration? Fuck you, this is teasing." Yes, it is: why hasn't someone written me this? Slaughterhouse 5 AU would be perfect.

Audience; done. We can do it before there's a story. Thus ends the lesson.

Cracked is in so many ways awesome, but every once in a while they stumble, dewy naivety and wide-eyed innocent upon fandom and come back, shaken, saying 'have you seen...' and the answer is 'yes, there's a tag for it on AO3; do you need a link?' Cracked, you're not horrifying me; you're giving me a reading list.

Comments

[inoru_no_hoshi]

...It probably says a lot about me that the only part of this I even marginally paused at was "elf ear penetration". Mostly because now I'm pondering "penetrating the ear" versus "the ear is long and pointy enough to penetrate places", and it's possible I should worry that the latter sounds like it could be interesting.

(This is what spending sufficient time in fandom does to you, apparently.)

[seperis]

I was thinking the latter, too. Long and pointy and possibly prehensile.

...seriously, where is this?

[inoru_no_hoshi]

IDK but I think I want it.

[azurelunatic]

Ah yes, the age-old fandom response: I genuinely never contemplated this before, but in the right hands this would be super hot. It is a side effect of knowing scarily competent smut writers.

[inoru_no_hoshi]

Yep!

[niqaeli]

I totally assumed the latter and was contemplating logistics thoughtfully. Like, what orifices would be most suited to penetration via ear, anyhow?

It's always darling when non-fen stumble across fandom and act like honestly really tame stuff is totally weird.

[inoru_no_hoshi]

Mouth, but that's obvious. Other ones would be much trickier to maneuver, but I'm thinking seperis' addition of "possibly prehensile" could go some very interesting places...

LOL it really is. I'd say "sometimes other, more innocent fen too" but then I remembered I used to be a fairly innocent little fen and look at me now. xDD

[niqaeli]

Right, mouth was totally the obvious one, but I feel like it's not nearly creative enough. I mean, vagina and ass would be a lot more difficult from the standpoint of positioning -- they might be similar to particularly rigid tentacles, but they are attached to someone's head, presumably -- but it seems like it might be worth it!

Also I desperately want this to exist now, because honestly it sounds kind of amazing as a venture into xenophilia.

[azurelunatic]

Sounding. Ear sounding.

[niqaeli]

!!!

dammit, someone needs to write this.

[seperis]

Surely Trek has done this for Spock. SURELY IT IS SOMEWHERE.

[inoru_no_hoshi]

Yes, yes it does. Although practicality makes me wonder how long this ear would need to be, and if they'd wear an earplug in it for "lube and stuff in the ear is not nice" reasons... (And would it be considered ~kinky~ by the elf-eared person's people, or a ~normal sex act with your Best Beloved(s)~?)

...Now I'm going to be thinking about this. And rationalising it. It's just a short jump from here to writing it...

[azurelunatic]

Practice safe ear penetration: always wear an earplug. Laffy Taffy does not make a good earplug, not even in an emergency. There is no sex so urgent that it excuses using Laffy Taffy.

[inoru_no_hoshi]

LMAO! Oh man, using Laffy Taffy would end SO STICKILY and not in fun ways. And also maybe ear infections.

ETA: I keep re-reading your comment and I can't unhear the Voice Of Experience overtone and I may just laugh forever. xD

[azurelunatic]

I was very lucky that one time, and I have been using it as a bad example ever since.

(1999. Concert. I'd neglected to bring any earplugs.)

Edit: not, I hasten to add, for sexual reasons. It was just loud.

[inoru_no_hoshi]

Every response I can think of boils down to "LMAO" so... LMAO! xD

[azurelunatic]

Think about the sore neck that comes from headbanging. Now imagine the sore neck that's going to result from earbanging.

[niqaeli]

The one fanfic sex scene that actually legit horrified me was Jill being fucked by Aslan. Like, it's not even the oh god my childhood, no -- the logistics were, uh, bewildering. And by that I mean incomprehensible. I am pretty sure I bookmarked that, because sometimes I have to link people to prove that it exists and so that they can also marvel in horror.

But mostly the stuff they're describing is just sort of -- well, okay, random, but sure! Why not? Some of it is even intriguing, yes! Oh darlings at Cracked: fandom is weirder than you imagine, and we're not even the hardcore body modification people.

[seperis]

Cracked is so savvy and then they hit fandom and its like Puritans on their wedding night finding out storks don't bring babies after all.

[niqaeli]

They're stumble through fandom and come back acting like they have Seen Things, Man, and over the damnedest things! Bless their little hearts.

[azurelunatic]

Oh, sweet summer children...

[lotesse]

but - and here I prove the point - I would be TOTALLY DOWN TO READ well-written Jill/Aslan ngl

[azurelunatic]

All you really have to have is having read War and Peace, I think. You can pick up Teen Wolf by osmosis, and mpreg is just a standard hazard.

[seperis]

Finally, a practical use for required reading lists in high school and college.

[feanna]

Does it matter whether it's those specific dudes doing it to Derek, or could it just be some random dudes? Like, probably you'll have enough other stuff to read if you're just into TW, but I've read so many crossovers where I didn't know much about one of the included fandoms.
OR you could just really be into some dudes tricking some other dude into thinking he's preganant.

[happydork]

Awww! I am deeply charmed by "Where It Gets Really Weird: This isn't a few paragraphs of jerk-off material -- this is a four-part, 25,000-word novella, and only 2,000 words of that are devoted to Nathan Explosion engaging James T. Kirk's warp drive." I just want to pinch their collective cheeks!

[seperis]

....god, that's so cute. They're going to be bruised from all the pinching, lemme tell you.

[feanna]

Be careful what you say about us, it might lead to discussions about safer ear sex... (I too want prehensile ear sounding fic, I have no shame for this!)

Also, I think that the cartoon fic that includes cartoon effects and references sounds like an interesting approach at meta.

Also: Including sex doesn't make it worse or less legitimate! (looking at you Trek crossover comment! (also, if it's really subby you picture Pine and not Shatner!))

[seperis]

Number two is on my reading list now. I honestly don't care if it's good, but concept alone is fascinating and I really want to see what they're doing with the idea.

[feanna]

I had never heard of the source, so I'm a bit lost on that one, but it sounds fun if you know what it's about.

[green_grrl]

Toothless/Stitch? Jessica Rabbit/Superman? They had some really tame examples on that list. And somebody in comments wailed that the Jessica/Superman was a bridge too far. That's a little ... delicate. I fear for that person's sanity on the Internet.

[nagasvoice]

Toothless/Stitch totally works, what's the problem? *possibly warped by fandom*

[green_grrl]

Considering that fiction as a whole is constantly taking animals (and aliens) and anthropomorphizing them, why are people surprised when characters we know and love are imagined as enjoying sex? At some point we realize that the smooth crotches of Barbies and GI Joes are ridiculous—sexuality is part of life. It's more warped to think that it isn't.

[lobelia321]

Now I want fic where Ken and Barbie live in a world where this *is* how people's mounds are and somehow or other they've got to try and get erotic pleasure anyway, *without* those orifices. And possibly discover ear penetration joys...!

[green_grrl]

As I recall, the ear holes aren't much to speak of, either. My remembrance of doll sex was lots and lots of frottage ... :D

[feanna]

Hey, that shit is tame until you start wonderig whether toothless (apparently) massive penis is barbed, because aren't those dragons somewhat modelled on cats? (And do the barbs lead to added flight security while impaled?)

I mean, so many of these things stem from a mixture of different kinks and taking somewhat sciency thoughts to their conclusions. (What WOULD pony biology be like??? And how would they excrete some magical "shit" (or non shit) mixed with analingus and possibly scat...))

[cathexys]

I love this entire post. Even the elf ear fucking!

Not only is the intersection of those three interests non negligible, but, as you point out, we often don't even KNOW what we want to read until we see it.

And finally, what a way to get people reading Tolstoy! After all, we've watched much worse canon for less lofty fic, right??? :)

[lobelia321]

we often don't even KNOW what we want to read until we see it.
It's like you're channeling Steve Jobs... :-)

[torch]

Okay, now I'm worried about this hypothetical elf ear sounding. Because accidentally poking a hole in someone's ear drum is not sexy.

Make mine the regular, boring elf ear sex, okay, not this kinky, out-there stuff! Sheesh. Kids these days.

[dreamatdrew]

Nononono, think about it the other way. The ear being used as the sounding implement. No risking Swiss eardrums that way.

[torch]

Okay, that's better. For some value of better. At least it's got me picturing really awkward positioning instead. :)

[feanna]

That's why the tips are prehensile! No awkward head wiggling necessary!

[torch]

The more I think about this, the more I want to actually see it. Just for research purposes, of course.

[out_there]

Cracked, you're not horrifying me; you're giving me a reading list.

HEE!

[feanna]

Also, because in one of the older posts they complained about bulging leggins and I was like: http://countingthebones.tumblr.com/post/79284821498/because-b-saw-these-while

[raincitygirl]

Your post made me LOL. That is all.

So cute

[pudacat]

And now Spudfella has posted "The 6 Most Horrifying Sex Scenes in Fan Fiction."

As a member of "Cracked", all I'll say is he's so earnest, and cute, and absolutely unaware of what's really out there in fandom.

They have no idea.

[nianeyna]

You have to admire a story where the twist is that men can't get pregnant.