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fic: queer as folk

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Just for the record?

josselin is unclean.

I still love her, though. But unclean is unclean.

Anyway.

Know
by jenn and

josselin

We were snippeting. And kind of bored. Or you know, really bored.

This is what he knows now.

Justin's beautiful like this, messy blond hair on Ethan's flat pillows, sheet rucked up between long legs, bare to the hip. Still flushed from sex, Ethan's fingerprints all over him, written in sweat and come and devotion, even if Ethan's the only one that sees them.

Even if Ethan's the only one that ever will.

It's midnight, and it's late, and tomorrow, he's at a concert with a long night alone, and Justin already misses him, told him with his mouth. Silky whispers against his throat and lips. Told him with his body. Hard, strong hands; clinging, soft mouth; little moans in his throat stifled against the sheets. He almost never lets Ethan top. Tonight, he didn't want anything else.

Sunshine, thinks Ethan, staring at the spill of blond hair, almost colorless in moonlight. Something out of designer art, like one of those photography books, glossy black and white, ultrasharp and ultraclear. Almost unreal.

I'll miss your mouth, Ethan thinks, red, swollen lips wrapped around his cock only hours before. Soft in sleep, curled up in corners. I'll miss your eyes and the way you look at me when I come home. I'll miss watching you draw and watching you cook and watching you breathe, and it doesn't seem worth it, not right now. Nothing could be.

Carefully, Ethan shifts closer, just enough to run a finger down the long line of Justin's spine. Silky-soft skin over bone, the play of muscle beneath. Justin seems soft to him like this, and Ethan thinks how Justin curled into him, under him, face against his neck, breathing that there had never been anyone like him.

The first few weeks had been hard. Ethan remembers that, remembers overbright smiles and overbright eyes and thinking he understood, how hard it was to let go, how hard it was to give up, the way Justin rolled off the bed and hit the wall when he was still half-asleep, turning the wrong direction to go to the bathroom, that second of shattered familiarity, recognition, that single second where blue eyes widened and everything seemed to hit him all anew. Coming home late to see Justin by the window, pad resting on bended knees, pencil in one hand, eyes looking for something long gone.

Ethan had looked out of a hundred hotel windows just like that, searching for a home that would never be in sight no matter how he squinted and tried to see.

It had passed. Justin never runs into walls anymore.

Everything passed, though. Overbright smiles and overbright eyes. Laughter in their bed. The grin when he walked in the door. All the things that Ethan hadn't known, that now he does.

He knows what Justin looked like when Brian fucked him now.

He's beautiful like this.

There were hints, in the way he wriggled, the moans caught in his throat but never released. He never saw it before, but now he can't see anything else.

Justin rolls over, mouth curling into a sated smile, and Ethan leans down to touch his hair, breathe in the scent of himself, coating Justin like a cloak; long, frantic sex with Justin chanting at the ceiling, half-reclined body, half-closed eyes, half-parted lips, half-drawn breaths spilling into the air. Ethan was drunk on the taste of Justin's skin, the hot, tight ass around his cock, the clutching hands and the frantic voice.

The effortless, flexible roll of Justin's body as he took it up the ass, like it was nothing, like it was easy, like he was made to do nothing else, like he'd never *done* anything else.

So *natural*, this pretty boy, who fucked him into unconsciousness every night before, spread out on Ethan's cheap sheets tonight, neck arched, eyes open wide and sweet. Ethan had come just from watching him writhe, like that. Watched blue eyes close when he came, cock rubbing on Ethan's stomach, soft and sated after.

Rolling over to curl up against him and sleep, like they did this all the time and never before tonight.

He knows more about Justin than anyone else ever could. He knows his favorite foods and his favorite bands and his favorite clothes, the way he looks when he wakes up and the way he brushes his teeth. He knows how Justin's cock feels in his mouth, his hand, up his ass, the way Justin twitches and moans and whispers dirty things into his mouth, his ear, his skin.

He *knows*, knew, everything, but he didn't know this, never met the creature beneath him that shuddered at every thrust and used short nails on his skin like he was trying to dig his way inside Ethan's skin, whispering *more* and *harder* and *please* and then nothing at all.

There are other things he didn't know, and now he does.

He never knew how Justin stretched after, slow and sated, slim fingers trailing over his ass with an indrawn breath. Ethan didn't know how he'd slide his palm through the come on his stomach and lick it, pressed tight between moist lips and a dark pink tongue. He didn't know how Justin watched with glazed eyes as Ethan awkwardly pulled the condom off, dropping it on the trash can beside the bed.

Everything passes, Ethan thinks, watching Justin sleep. Smiles when he comes home, instead drowned in sketchpads by the window. A warm, strong body above him, pushing into him, filling him and making him come hearing music all around him, replaced with this soft sprawl of gorgeous boy who comes from a cock up his ass and a secret smile.

Hard and fast and clenched teeth and broken moans, no dirty-sweet words whispered in Ethan's ear.

"Justin," he whispers, and brushes another kiss, salty-sweet, watching the smile widen and hearing the sigh.

Ethan has never heard Brian say Justin's name, but he knows how Brian used to say it by the way Justin responds to his voice now.

Less is more in the Kinney world, and Ethan supposes that Justin had told him that from the beginning, all those carefully defensive complaints about boyfriends who refused to talk. But it took Ethan a while to put it together, before he realized that Justin might profess to like whispered endearments said tenderly in his ear, that they might make him blush, but what made him come was silence, was throaty grunts and repetitions of his name choked in a whisper as though they were painful to say.

Less is more, and Ethan was beginning to learn that Justin didn't really want to hear an hour long description of what rehearsal was like, that Justin didn't care what his teacher thought about the increased vibrato on the D. Justin liked quiet, and he liked sex, and he actually seemed to like fucking techno dance music, because there wasn't any other reason Ethan could come up with that Justin would have it turned up loudly one afternoon as he painted, and blush and quickly fumble it off when Ethan burst through the door with his violin case.

Thick, heavy, rough rhythms that wrote their way into your blood, still vibrating in Justin's skin when he touched him, choreographing his every move for hours. Ethan could hear the song every time he watched Justin breathe. He could hear it with every thrust in Justin's body, the beat of the thrusts and the slap of wet skin and the pattern of Justin's pants.

He never knew, and Justin told him, with his lips when he said Brian's name, with his body when Ethan fucked him, sweaty and shuddering and coming hard enough to see stars.

Ethan sort of knew this would be the last time, somehow.

But he didn't know it would take 27 days for Justin to go back to Brian. He didn't know that it would be after dinner in Brian's office, and not in the middle of the night at Babylon or Saturday morning at Brian's loft. He didn't know that their first time, Brian would come too soon and Justin would know that this wasn't about sex, about performance, about fucking art or music or shit, but that this was about lust and need and love. He didn't know that it would be forever, that ten years later they'd fight about colors for ad copy and new tile for the bathroom floor and Brian being in denial about botox treatments.

Because Ethan still didn't know love, really.

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....

....

*shiver*

This Ethan is a little more introspective than I think the character actually is, but it really works, and I love this peek into his life with Justin. And it still kills me that Justin tried so hard to be what he thought Ethan wanted and needed, and he would have kept trying, if Ethan had been what he said he was.

This is all kinds of good, in that way that kinda hurts.

*hugs* Thanks, honey. I am still feeling the poor-Ethan vibes here.

Guh. Sensory overload. Just woke up. Brain can't function, and yet... so good. Guh.

*grins* Thank you.

Huh. I like this. I find Ethan positively swoonworthy, and there was something... delightfully honest, almost crass about it. Um, that's not the right description.

It's just... it *feels* like a nice mix of poetry and reality, of the contrast between Ethan's romantic/unrealistic side and the observations of Justin. I liked.

Less is more, and Ethan was beginning to learn that Justin didn't really want to hear an hour long description of what rehearsal was like, that Justin didn't care what his teacher thought about the increased vibrato on the D. Justin liked quiet, and he liked sex, and he actually seemed to like fucking techno dance music, because there wasn't any other reason Ethan could come up with that Justin would have it turned up loudly one afternoon as he painted, and blush and quickly fumble it off when Ethan burst through the door with his violin case.

I like the inherent deception going on in that paragraph. That Justin isn't who Ethan thought he was, not really. Regardless of how happy or how smitten Justin appeared, at heart, Justin isn't the same type of romantic that Ethan is. I like that it's not that Justin's outright lying to Ethan, he just isn't standing up and saying 'this isn't who I am. I like techno, and sex for the sake of it, but the romance thing seemed fun at the time.'

But he didn't know it would take 27 days for Justin to go back to Brian. He didn't know that it would be after dinner in Brian's office, and not in the middle of the night at Babylon or Saturday morning at Brian's loft. He didn't know that their first time, Brian would come too soon and Justin would know that this wasn't about sex, about performance, about fucking art or music or shit, but that this was about lust and need and love. He didn't know that it would be forever, that ten years later they'd fight about colors for ad copy and new tile for the bathroom floor and Brian being in denial about botox treatments.

Because Ethan still didn't know love, really.

To be totally honest, I have to admit that bit jarred. I mean, I would have expected the fic to end without it, on the line of "Ethan sort of knew this would be the last time, somehow" and to keep the focus very tightly inside Ethan's head, and very much looking at Justin and evaluating his past actions.

*shrugs* Maybe it's just a mindset thing. I don't *see* Brian and Justin in love, or ending happily ever after, so it jars me. I *see* the flaws in the Justin/Ethan relationship, so I can understand and appreciate the rest of it. And I flat out disagree with the last statement, in that the logical inference is that if Ethan knew love, he'd look at Justin/Brian and *see* it there.

The last bit just seems oddly tacked on. It feels different from the rest of the fic - it's suddenly distanced from Ethan, like I was reading about *Ethan's* reactions to Justin, and then the focus suddenly switched to Justin.

But, as I said, could just be me.

I am about to fall asleep here, so I shouldn't be commenting, but I think you're really insightful about the end of the fic here so I'm going to chatter real quick before I topple into bed.

The end is different. And it is tacked on. :) Jenn wrote most of the fic with me providing occasional lines (though oddly enough I wrote all of the lines that you've quoted) and I wrote the whole ending when we got sort of bored of torturing him. The first thing I told Jenn about the ending was that it switched to a more omniscient pov and was she okay with that. As I was writing the ending, I did realize that the fic could end quite conclusively with Ethan thinking that this was the last time, and that could quite possibly be more organic. But I was sort of attached to this idea (unrelated to Ethan's introspections) of what sexual clues signalled to Justin that this was different, and I've been musing recently how Brian thinks of sex as a performance, and how Ethan is (as a musician) a performer, and how Brian's failure to "perform" during sex, because he's overwhelmed emotionally or too excited or whatever, is a powerful statement to Justin, who has been learning a thing or two about performers from his whole experience.

Anyway, my comment here is to basically say you're right. The fic would end most naturally at Ethan's realization that this is the last time. The paragraphs after that are sprung from my own introspections and some sappiness. :)

(though oddly enough I wrote all of the lines that you've quoted)

Hee! How coincidental!

The paragraphs after that are sprung from my own introspections and some sappiness.

Well, the important things to remember whenever I comment on QafUS fic (as Jenn knows):
1) I swoon over Ethan
2) I dislike Justin rather intensely
3) The only person I dislike more than Justin is Brian.
4) I haven't watched S3, and probably won't.

Hence, my outlook can be *extremely* biased because I just don't get the appeal of Brian/Justin that seems to hold so much sway over Jenn and her fellow fen.

So, it may be a perfectly valid way of ending it, and it certainly does put the Ethan/Justin relationship into stark relief, it just jarred me. But half of that could be my lack of canon knowledge...

Anyway, in case I didn't say it before, I did really enjoy it, and it takes a bit for me to enjoy QaFUS fic. *g*

I like the inherent deception going on in that paragraph. That Justin isn't who Ethan thought he was, not really. Regardless of how happy or how smitten Justin appeared, at heart, Justin isn't the same type of romantic that Ethan is. I like that it's not that Justin's outright lying to Ethan, he just isn't standing up and saying 'this isn't who I am. I like techno, and sex for the sake of it, but the romance thing seemed fun at the time.'

*bites lip*

I've been thinking about that. I've just never believed that Justin's a *romantic*, not really. Like exactly what you said. Though I tend to think he *thought* he was, because it seemed like that was how it was *supposed* to be.

He confuses me sometimes.

The last bit just seems oddly tacked on. It feels different from the rest of the fic - it's suddenly distanced from Ethan, like I was reading about *Ethan's* reactions to Justin, and then the focus suddenly switched to Justin.

*thinks* I go back and forth. Sometimes, I think it works really well, and sometimes, I'm not so sure. I usually don't switch pov, so it tastes different than I'm used to.

Much thinking on this bit.

Thanks for commenting!

*hugs*

*hugs back*

I've been thinking about that. I've just never believed that Justin's a *romantic*, not really. Like exactly what you said. Though I tend to think he *thought* he was, because it seemed like that was how it was *supposed* to be.

He confuses me sometimes.

Heh. Yeah, I can see that. He's not exactly... a straight forward character...

*thinks* I go back and forth. Sometimes, I think it works really well, and sometimes, I'm not so sure. I usually don't switch pov, so it tastes different than I'm used to.

Huh. Come to think of it, I've spent years reading fic and I'm really used to a set pov now, so that could have been part of it, too. I'm used to close third-person pov's, especially from you and Te, so... that's probably part of the reaction. Not that it's bad, just that it jars because I'm not used to it.

(Well, that and my Justin/Brian hatred issues... *g*)

Wow. Ethan!fic. And I survived.
This was seriously beautiful you guys.
Were you suggesting that Ethan may have orchestrated the whole "worshipful admirer" dalliance because he realised that Justin could never love him as much as he wanted him to?? Or perhaps more that the thoughts he'd been having may have indirectly contributed to his careless fuck, because he really thought they were over already?? 'Cause that puts a really interesting spin on things. Eh, maybe I'm over-analysing.

I'm intrigued by this possible insight into Ethan's character, and as always it was written so beautifully. I couldn't tell where one voice ended and the other began, which I find amazing, because you both have such different styles.

My two favourite bits:
But it took Ethan a while to put it together, before he realized that Justin might profess to like whispered endearments said tenderly in his ear, that they might make him blush, but what made him come was silence, was throaty grunts and repetitions of his name choked in a whisper as though they were painful to say.

Yes. God yes.

Thick, heavy, rough rhythms that wrote their way into your blood, still vibrating in Justin's skin when he touched him, choreographing his every move for hours. Ethan could hear the song every time he watched Justin breathe. He could hear it with every thrust in Justin's body, the beat of the thrusts and the slap of wet skin and the pattern of Justin's pants.

Love how you kept to the musical theme here (whichever one of you it was!!) - just so wonderful to read.

The whole thing was an absolute pleasure, from first word to last. Thank you!!

Or perhaps more that the thoughts he'd been having may have indirectly contributed to his careless fuck, because he really thought they were over already?? 'Cause that puts a really interesting spin on things. Eh, maybe I'm over-analysing.

Watching the first few eps of season three all in a row make me wonder a little. There's this feeling that Ethan's beginning to notice things are getting out of control, but he's not entirely *aware* of why. So hmm. Though I like the idea of it. *g*

*hugs* Thanks so much for the comments! Joss and I were--very, very bored one night and she wanted porn. And then this happened.

*g* Very strange how that happened.

Me likee!

This shows an Ethan who can see what he loss.

*g* I'm still deep in my poor-Ethan feeling.

And yeah, Ethan knows what he's losing.

*hugs* thanks!

Oh, I loved this. Agree with out_there on the end, but as a B/J junkie, I liked it.

Yeah, this was beautiful.

*hugs* Thank you!

Yeah, I'm debating the ending, too. Sometimes I like it a lot, and sometimes, I'm just not sure.

Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!

oh wow.

achingly beautiful.

and poor ethan... i loved how you characterized him, because i like to think that ethan did love justin-- and it wasn't all a load of crap he spewed. he loved justin, and they should have had a good break-up... something almost like this and i hated that it was all over a trick in the series.

*loves*

*nod* He loved Justin, I do believe that. I often wish there was post-E/J fic out there, covering that time after the break-up. *mulls* It would be angsty and pretty and dark. All are Good Things.

Thanks!

I like this very much. I think it stays pristinely pure to one of the show's central themes -- that of Sex as Revelation. I thought the ending flowed naturally, served as the climax of the piece -- Ethan has been gradually making "discoveries" throughout, or at least admitting things to himself, and the rapid fire bam-bam-bam of the closing paragraphs just reinforces the discovery-and-sex metaphor.

Very nicely doe! You made me enjoy "Ethan fic" ;)

I'm kinked for "discovery during sex". Or "character development during sex". It's the hotness with the thinking-ness, which is a killer combo.

Thanks!

The way you guys used words and the imagery sucked me in, and I felt for Ethan. But I agree with another commenter in that the shift to omniscient POV at the end when the rest of the fic was written in 3rd POV limitted was jarring. It felt like it belonged in another fic.

Poor Ethan. Yeah, he got a little screwed over there.

But I agree with another commenter in that the shift to omniscient POV at the end when the rest of the fic was written in 3rd POV limitted was jarring.

*nods* Joss and I have been looking at that. I'm wondering if it would have worked better if we'd kept it tight in Ethan POV throughout.

Thanks for the comments!

It might have worked better if you implied that Justin would get with Brian, or wrote that Ethan came across B/J 12 yrs later and saw them arguing about tile, and the company, and etc. If you wanted to keep the last paragraph (I liked it, but felt it didn't belong there.)

::meep::
You guys kill me. Just kill me. Oh, dear, lord.

*grins and glows* Thank you so much.

I read this two days ago and have been thinking about it ever since. The three things that stay with me the most:

Justin's beautiful like this, messy blond hair on Ethan's flat pillows, sheet rucked up between long legs, bare to the hip. Still flushed from sex, Ethan's fingerprints all over him, written in sweat and come and devotion, even if Ethan's the only one that sees them.

Good lord that's a beautiful image. Sexy, vivid, sweet. Just exquisite description.

The effortless, flexible roll of Justin's body as he took it up the ass, like it was nothing, like it was easy, like he was made to do nothing else, like he'd never *done* anything else

Guh.

But not just that. I love how you slowly reveal what's really going on with Justin, so subtlely that its clear that Ethan doesn't really get it - but we do. You slowly show me exactly why tonight, Justin "didn't want anything else."

and this:

He didn't know that their first time, Brian would come too soon

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!! That is just so...sigh. He totally would come too soon the first time. And Brian never comes too soon. But how could he not be completely overwhelmed but having the actual boy back underneath him, touching him, kissing him, taking him inside, when he's been fucking piss poor substitutes and thinking of no one else since he's been gone? I just love that insight. And I love wondering how Justin would react, how he would feel knowing how overwhelmed Brian was. Damn. Just beautimous.

Thank you.

*blushes* Thank you so much!

But not just that. I love how you slowly reveal what's really going on with Justin, so subtlely that its clear that Ethan doesn't really get it - but we do. You slowly show me exactly why tonight, Justin "didn't want anything else."

Yeah, poor Ethan was kind of mystified by the happenings in Justin's head there. It scares me how much I sympathize with him. *pets him* *carefully*

Double thanks for the lovely, lovely comments, chica. I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

Love this short E/J...I liked Ethan. I really did. I'm not a B/Jer, but I do read that pairing. This is elegant and erotic and elegaic. I differ with the fen-loved the ending. Of COURSE Brian is going to get botox, and then bullshit Michael about it.
Does Ethan bottom for Justin all the time? This raises the issue of how much of a bottom J really is. I thought, although I don't totally agree that J would bottom for Brian and then top for other men, that this was handled well.
Nice little fic. More E/J, please!

Does Ethan bottom for Justin all the time? This raises the issue of how much of a bottom J really is. I thought, although I don't totally agree that J would bottom for Brian and then top for other men, that this was handled well.

I've thrown around that idea occasionally myself. To be honest, I just can't see Justin consistently bottoming for Ethan. Just--no.

Nice little fic. More E/J, please!

*looks at you* I'm trying to figure out if I'm *that* sympathetic to Ethan....

::dies::

Damn, that was fabulous. Beautifully done.

He didn't know that it would be forever, that ten years later they'd fight about colors for ad copy and new tile for the bathroom floor and Brian being in denial about botox treatments.

This made my heart siiiiiiiiiiiing! ::goes to happy place::

An Ethan fic that's really not about Ethan at all. How intriguing. ;)

Very insightful about Justin and Justin & Brian. It's nice seeing the Ethan POV (just because it's so rare). I like this a lot, thank you. :D

Can you put your writing talent into a bottle and sell it to me? I'm envious of your talent and the rolling cadence of your style. It's so distinctive and absolutely lovely.

I think I shall now stalk you, Justin-style. (Okay, okay, maybe I'll just rec you alot.)

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Nice fic

Re: Nice fic

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I bow down before you, o' Glorificus