if you can parse this better, i dare you to try

[seperis]

So iPhone 4 reception has been a problem for some iPhone users, and it was speculated the culprit seemed to be the design of the phone, specifically the antenna, which was potentially compressed/blocked/sent to another dimension/killed self when users held the phone a certain way. This 'way' is unclear, but might involve using one's hand wrapped around it while holding it to one's ear. IDK, I use mine (Android phone) for sudoku, texting, gmail, and emailing pictures to people, so I can see why this would be bewildering, because apparently, people were holding the iPhone like a phone.

Weird.

Finally, after complaints came in, Apple created a script for tech support that needs to be read to be believed, and finally there came Apple's Open Letter, which addressed the pressing problem of--wait, let me read this again, just a sec--right. The pressing problem of too many bars. Oh, and the antenna is fine; users are still holding it wrong.

Now would I joke about this?

Apple `stunned' to find iPhones show too many bars

Apple Inc. said Friday that it was "stunned" to find that its iPhones have for years been using a "totally wrong" formula to determine how many bars of signal strength they are getting.

Apple said that's the reason behind widespread complaints from users that the latest model, iPhone 4, can show a sudden plunge in signal strength when they hold it in a way that covers a small black strip on one edge of the phone. Users online have jokingly called this the "death grip" for the phone.

Wall Street Journal parses the open letter from Apple to iPhone 4 users here.

....so I'm trying to find a unique way to comment on this one since everyone else is doing it and hey, this letter kind of begs for it, but when the Wall Street Journal shows a sense of humor, well, who can compete with that?

I'm just saying, here's what I'm getting from the letter:

1.) we are awesome.
2.) you're holding it wrong.
3.) you're holding other phones wrong too.
4.) so it's not the antenna design.
5.) your signal has always been shitty because our program to calculate signal strength has been doing it wrong.
6.) your perception of reality is doing it wrong. you weren't 'losing' a signal. it was never there at all. if it wasn't there, how could you lose it?
7.) our software will fix this and now you'll know for sure just how bad your reception is
8.) so it's really not the antenna design.
9.) this is our best wireless coverage ever!

Or one sentence: users are holding it wrong while hallucinating.

...okay. So. That was--something, wasn't it?

ETA: Class Action Lawsuit regarding iPhone antenna design. Huh.

Comments

[logovo]

So, it was of the good that I'm still holding off on upgrading to iPhone 4. Damn :/ - I'd vaguely heard the "you're holding it wrong" thing before, but I thought it was something from The Onion.

[hilarytamar]

There's also John Gruber's lovely Translation From Apple’s Unique Dialect of PR-Speak to English of the ‘Letter From Apple Regarding iPhone 4’ – worth a read, but make sure you don't have a drink in your hand (or your mouth) or you'll find yourself needing a new keyboard.

[shinetheway.livejournal.com]

I bet some honcho at Sprint is doing a happy dance right now, because this means that fifteen thousand more people are going to buy the damn EVO today. And then call me to activate them. [grins]

[prettybird.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Yep, that's about it.

My poor left-handed partner was bitching about this because his natural hold for the phone goes right over the antenna. We'll be sticking with the Droid.

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

So...

10)These are not the (an)droids you're looking for...

*cue wavy fingers and inscrutable Alec-Guinness-faced Mac executives who are apparently confident that all the complaining users will become slack jawed sycophants nodding in agreement*

ETA: Class Action Lawsuit regarding iPhone antenna design.

...or perhaps not.

[apetslife.livejournal.com]

This is the most awesome collection of links I've seen all day. KUDOS TO YOU and thank you for the much-needed giggle! :D

[bluesheart.livejournal.com]

I have the iPhone 4. I got it for work as this was a allowed phone and I didn't want a blackberry because the iPhone was cooler. It figures, something would happen after I bought the phone. I knew I should have waited.

[lurkerlynne.livejournal.com]

I saw an article on this earlier and my first thought? 'Bwahahaha! XD'

[jamesinboots.livejournal.com]

This is like Steve Jobs' response to the iPad not having Flash all over again. Apple's continual inability to put decent effort into the little things that matter is probably eventually going to be their downfall. You try to demand people change the way they view and interact their world too quickly and too often, and they'll eventually go to someone who's going to let them the hold their phones the way we've been holding phones since we invented the damn things. This is kind of like asking people to hold their pencils with only their thumb and pinky finger now. Sure, some rare people already do it, and some people can adjust. The other ~6 billion of us will need physical therapy after trying that long enough.