Just a quick note, I'll come back to the rest shortly:

So my take is, the only thing that you actually have to born to, as far as women go, is Queen.

No, the books specifically state that caste is inborn and named off the castes as Priestess, Healer, Black Widow, Queen for women. Book Three Luthvian is very specific about her caste being higher than Surreal's since she's a Healer and Black Widow. It's also very specific when they talk about a Black Widow that was *born* a black widow ('natural').